Divorce

We discussed the topic of divorce and came across some interesting statistics.  70% of divorced couples 2 years later said they probably could have saved their married and they realize they probably should have.  70% of men are remarried after 2 years of being divorced and woman are less likely to remarry rapidly.  The last bit of information was that the majority of people who had an affair don’t get a divorce.  All of these statistics jumped out to me.  Divorce is such a common occurrence in our society today and when many people get married they have the idea that if anything goes wrong there is divorce and that’s ok.  I think that these statistics should be shown to couples before they get married so that they may have the thought in their mind that if times get rough they should try their hardest to push through and actually work the problem out.  We talked about one of the causes being that couple’s first stop being intimate or have intimacy problems but don’t share that and then other problems start to pile up.  A marriage should be built up so that anything can be talked about.  If you can’t talk to one another about your intimacy than you should be reevaluating other parts of the marriage and try to become closer so it is easier to discuss.

seeking council

We talked about appropriate strategies to seeking counsel with our spouses and families.  First we went over the way the 1^st presidency counsels.  They go to the temple every Thursday and go through a process of steps.  They express love and appreciation, pray and invite the spirit, discuss to consensus, recognize the Lord’s will, and end with a prayer.  We can have the same type of counsel and receive the inspiration and revelation we need when we invite the Lord.  When we are discussing with our family it is important to keep in mind that despite what everyone says each person has the right to their opinion and we shouldn’t down play them.  This is a great process to establish and have within the family.

seeking council

We talked about appropriate strategies to seeking counsel with our spouses and families.  First we went over the way the 1^st presidency counsels.  They go to the temple every Thursday and go through a process of steps.  They express love and appreciation, pray and invite the spirit, discuss to consensus, recognize the Lord’s will, and end with a prayer.  We can have the same type of counsel and receive the inspiration and revelation we need when we invite the Lord.  When we are discussing with our family it is important to keep in mind that despite what everyone says each person has the right to their opinion and we shouldn’t down play them.  This is a great process to establish and have within the family.

Discussing Intimacy

We talked about the trends that are occurring in our society when it comes to having knowledge about intimacy.  It seems that parents are becoming less involved with knowing basic information and sharing it with their children.  There are more sexual education classes that may be promoting different views than the ones we believe in.  The world just believes in “safe sex” and says knowing that is enough.  Also, most teenagers and preteens seem to be getting most of their information from their peers.  All of these can lead to kids having the wrong information or not understanding properly.  Parents need to just open up and establish a base with their kids on this level and talk to them about intimacy.  Parents also need to be informed themselves because there are new slang words and new intimacy things that each generation comes up with. 

Dating

Dating is a very lose term now days.  We decided that it meant to participate in a variety of activities with a variety of people.  There is a proper process people should go through to result in a healthier marriage.  That is first people should date and then if you find one person you want to pursue to take it to courtship and then comes the engagement and then the marriage.  Along with that is the relationship attachment model which has 5 parts that go in order.  First you should know someone, then learn to trust them, then you can rely on them, then commitments can be made, and lastly touch can play a part in the picture.  If you can’t trust someone then you shouldn’t rely on then or commit to them or have physical moments with them.  One step should not come before the other and in our society it seems that physical touch is most out of whack.  People meet one another and soon they are making out and doing more and they don’t even know the person.  This just results in danger and emotional instability.  When it comes to dating we should follow this model.

Gender Differences

We talked about how no matter what there are just differences between men and woman.  Woman are more emotional and like to express their emotions.  They are verbal and more observant.  Woman are more detail oriented and relationship oriented and are more cooperative.  Men have more upper body strength and like spatial orientation.  They have protective instincts with can make them more aggressive.  Men are typically more competitive and focus on 1 thing at a time, but are able to switch gears when a new activity or idea comes up.  These differences are not bad or wrong but they are just part of who we are and are part of our eternal identities.  People may try to change them and disagree with them but this is who we are.  When men and women come together they balance one another out because men have things that women don’t have and women have characteristics that men don’t have.

Women in the work force

We talked about women being out in the work force.  During WWII I believe it was that many women had to go out and work because their husbands were out fighting for our country.  Then when the men returned the woman didn’t want to give up their jobs.  Many woman today don’t want to be stay at home moms and they want to be out in the work force.  So families then have to pay for the expense of getting a care taker and putting them in school while they are at work and the family needs to have transportation for both the mother and father.  They may also be putting in expenses in many other places as a result of both parents working.  Often times families are creating more expenses and spending more than if one parent was just working.  There was one case where a family was actually paying for the wife to work once they took a look at all the expenses.  Before jumping in to a job women should really discuss it with their families and find out if they need to work and bring in money or if it would cause unnecessary expenses and be harder on the family.

Family Patterns

This last week we submitted a family assignment that had us take a look at different trends and relationships within our family.  It showed me the trends I want to keep and the ones I want to break.  This week in class we learned about the dynamic a relationship may go through.  Studies have shown over and over again that when a husband and wife get married they have a great relationship when it starts out and they work well together and their relationship is strong.  Then as the first child comes in to the picture the relationship starts to drop and it will slowly rise but as child number 2 comes along it drops a little lower than before and this would continue with each child.  The relationship seems to stay steady as the children grow up and then as each child moves away the relationship becomes more loving and stronger until they get back to where they were when they first got married, or close to that. 

After I became aware of different trends within my family such as people being distant or controlling I look at the world around me and try to make my life the way I want it to be.  Despite all the studies that show this pattern in most people I want to try and do what I can to avoid it.  I want to keep my relationship with my husband strong and as we have children allow them to build us up instead of pull us down.  I know at times that they will take a toll on us but for the most part I want us to become more strengthened and develop more love towards one another. 

Those around us

This last week we discuss the social classes and the impact that they bring.  We watched a Youtube video that I would highly recommend.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8VXrHeLqBA&feature=related This is the video which is called tammy.  It really made me reexamine the way I look at people.  I think at times we all need a reality check in which we ask ourselves if we are giving those around us the benefit of the doubt.  I judged this family right off the bat and looked down on them but the more I learned about them then the more I felt for them and the more respect I gained for them.  I started to feel extremely guilty for judging them.  I told myself that I need to change that and not judge people from what I see.  There are so many people that have minimum wage jobs but they are working hard and while everything is pushing down on them they are fighting back and trying to make a living.  What I took from this was that we all come from different places in our lives and nobody is better than one another and we are all trying our hardest and have no right to judge someone and to categorize anybody. 

 

We took a look at different cultures as well.  Each culture seems to have their own positives and negatives.  We talked about how being minority may affect people.  They are categorized immediately and held to those assumptions.  There are more cultures than just our heritage.  It could be the culture of single mothers or pregnant teens.  We should be aware of all the different types of cultures their are and understand them.  We can learn why more teens are becoming pregnant and try to help them.

January 21st - January 25

This last week in family relations we talked about family boundaries.  There are 3 specific types of boundaries but the great thing about them is that no matter what stage we are at in our life they can apply.  Even though we may not all be married, we all have families and friends in which we can work on our relationships with. 

1.Disconnected Boundary
This is when the relationship is too clear and cut off.  For example if you have a family member that you live with but you never talk to.  They are in your life but there is very little interaction or knowledge of what is going on in their life.
2. Diffuse Boundary
This is when there is too much interaction for the relationship to be healthy.  It is unclear where the boundary is because there is such a tense and close connection.  An example might be that a daughter might have to turn to her parents constantly.  She can't make any decisions on her own and has to constantly confide and talk with her parents.  The relationship is so close that it is unheathly.  She is in no way independent and her parents aren't doing her any good by continually coaching her along.  This can cause a big issue when she decides to get married.  Once she does she will have her husband to turn to and discuss life with but she will turn to her parents.  This will cause a great deal of issues between her and her spouse.
3. Clear Boundaries
This is the last boundary which is a balance between the first two.  This would be that you are involved in your family members life and know what is going on, but at the same time you give them space.  This boundary takes trust because you talk about what is going on and then let things happen and trust that it was what had been discussed.  This is the most healthy relationship.  A person can be independent but have people to turn to and people that are actively involved in their life while allowing them to make their own decisions.
It is important to look at your life and see what kind of relationships you have.  We can improve our relationships and make them last longer and become stronger if we can move towards having clear boundaries. 

I look forward to getting more into the topics that family relations has to offer and learning a great deal that I can look back on and still use.